In reply to our Antipodean members.
As Burns night is on 25th January, to Derek and Peter, try this one :-

You know you are a Jimmy, Mac, or Jock if :-
(01) Ye can properly pronounce McConnachie; Ecclefechan; Milngavie; Sauchiehall; Auchtermuchty; and Awfurfuksake.
(02)Ye actually like deep fried pizza frae the chippie.
(03)Yer used tae fower seasons in wan day.
(04)Ye cannae pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
(05)Ye kin fall aboot pished withoot spillin yer drink.
(06)Ye see peeple wearin shell suits wi Burberry accessories - pure deed class.
(07)Ye measure distance in minutes
(08)Ye kin understaun Rab C. Nesbitt and know characters just like him in yer ain family.
(09)Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think its like gaun tae the ocean
(10)Ye kinmak hael sentences jist wi sweer words
(11)Ye know whit haggis made frae and still like eatin it
(12)Somebiddy ye ken hus used a fitba schedule tae plan thur weedin date
(13)Ye've been at a weddin and fitba scores are announced in the kirk
(14)Ye urny surprised tae find curries; pizzas; kebabs; fish & chips; irn brew; wincarnis; fags and nappies a' in wan shoap
(15)Ye know Irn brew is a hangover cure
(16)Ye larnt tae sweer afore ye larnt tae dae sums
(17)Ye actually understaun this, an ur gonna send it tae yur pals
(18)Finally, you are 100% True Jock if you have ever said/heard these phrases :-

Hoos it hingin
clarty
boggin
cludgie
pished
git it up ye
wee beasties
erse bandit
amurny
away an bile yer heid
peely wally
humphy backit
ba heid
baw bag
dubble nugget

Oh if ane the power tae give us, and see oorsels as ithers see us

                  To Rabbie Burns

Hi Sandy,
Some of my ancestor's came from Jerrow on the Tyne, but can you translate your post into English we can understand in the Colonies?
Regards,
Gerald

Hi Gerald, the good folks of Jarrow  (pronounced Jarra, with the r r sound like clearing your throat to spit ) speak a totaly different language to the Scottish and English , known as GEORDIE.
Here is a sample - "howay end hoy it owa heah marrah " Translated it means -"come on and throw it over here friend". A totaly different language!. Us Mackems, (natives of Sunderland) have to be multilingual, having Geordies, North Durham (speaking Pitmatic) Jocks and Yorkies for neighbours. Its a hard life coming from a City Of Culture and being surrounded by heathens speaking in strange tongues!!!. Regards, Walter.

Walter
how can you call us heathens - read the first page of your bible and its a Scot that,s mentioned.
and your venearal , sorry venerable Bede only came down for the broon ale!

On my first night in Scotland (Jan.76), I was staying in Aberdeen, and had dinner at a restaurant with the unlikely name 'Highland Tartan Chinese Restaurant'.
The menu was like nothing which I had ever seen in a Chinese restaurant before:
'All meals with your choice of rice or chips'.

Roderick B Smith
Rail News Victoria Editor

Hi Sandy , excellent and all too true. While sitting in with some frends of an evening and a few liberal splashes  of the finest malts there I was sitting in a sun lounger in their front room  ( true class ye ken) when all of a sudden the temptation to use the recline function of this sun lounger was just too great. Sadly it was a polished wooden floor and my not incosiderable weight interposed with the spreading of the lounger legs was just too great for the poor lounger. Next second I find myself lying flat on my back on the floor amongst the lounger and held defiantly aloft was the glass of MacAllan and never a drop spilled. As to the haggis it is just grand of a cold and blustery lunchtime to wander along to the Fort Takeaway on Commercail Street in Lerwick  for a poke o' chips and a single battered and deep fried Haggis pudding.

cheers

Jim

I can't help but wonder if the TV show 'Still Game' was inspired by this...

What do you make of this Mr Beattie?

It is genuine

Hi Sandy,
I know about Black Irish (I'm descended from some on my Mothers side), does this mean that there are "Black Scots"?
Regards,
Gerald
PS My Fathers family owed allegiance to the Gordon's, and I have been told I am entitled to wear that tartan.

Via my maternal grandfather (a Gillespie), my great great grandfather was a Gillespie who migrated from the Inverness area in the late 1800s.  In turn, that makes me eligible for a Macpherson tartan (basic white, with red & grey hatching).  My mother visited the ancestral croft while staying in Inverness with a group tour.

I have always enjoyed my visits to Scotland: unlike the rest of UK, there are open and empty spaces in which an Australian can feel at home.  I have had great days in a bus following Caledonian Canal, and aboard various CalMac island services.  I have even stood outside Alistair's shop (hours after closing time).

My only attempt to act Scots backfired.
After three attempts at
Just a wee deoch an doris, just a wee drop, that's all.
Just a wee deoch an doris afore ye gang awa.
There's a wee wifie waitin' in a wee but an ben.
If you can say, "It's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht",
Then yer a'richt, ye ken.
with the publican looking more and more lost, the light finally dawned.  'Ah', he said, 'the gentleman wants a small whisky'.

Sure, by Tummel and Loch Rannoch and Lochaber I will go.
By heather tracks wi' heaven in their wiles;
If it's thinkin' in your inner heart braggart's in my step,
You've never smelt the tangle o' the Isles.
Oh, the far Coolins are puttin' love on me.
As step I wi' my cromach to the Isles.

Scotland the brave: www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBKBI7DOLHA

Regards,
Roderick B Smith
Rail News Victoria Editor

Hello all, sorry Sandy no I've no idea if it is a real Tartan registered with the Scottish Tartan Authority and I can't find the list either. 
Roderick, The Road to the Isles  by Kenneth MacKellar is probably one of my most favourite Scottish songs
"The Road to the Isles   2:25   Kenneth McKellar   The Rosette Collection: Sleeps the Noon In the Deep Blue Sky" from my iTunes collection now I ask how can I load it onto here ?   I always used to hum/ing this as I travelled over to Skye or the other Inner Hebridean Islands when I went out to work there as a Sales Rep especially when i drove through Glencoe or Ballachullish and Duror on the way to Oban.

cheers

Jim