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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 6917 times)

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #120 on: October 10, 2018, 01:15:30 PM »
A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply: Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold? those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused? to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the? merchant had refused to pay. ?If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #121 on: November 29, 2018, 11:39:13 AM »
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

Offline derekwarner_decoy

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #122 on: November 29, 2018, 05:38:23 PM »
I reckon Blonde jokes are terrible :a102 .........

But the one with the Blonde painting a typing error on the monitor with TYPEX always gets me   :great
Derek Warner

Honorary Secretary [Retired]
Illawarra Live Steamers Co-op
Australia
www.ils.org.au

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #123 on: November 29, 2018, 08:01:41 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #124 on: December 28, 2018, 10:16:24 PM »
So I was talking to a friend about the lists that
seniors make. For example, there is the bucket list.
Then there is the to do list, The bucket list is the
more enjoyable because its made of the stuff that YOU
want to do. where as the to do list, also known as
the honey do list, that is the one that she wants you to
do. Well, I have discovered there is yet another list.
And this one is the one that has evolved over the
years, and I have also gotten pretty good at it. It is
known as the do nothing list. This one is much
preferable to the other two. Both of the other lists
require something called "effort." a commodity
I have discovered that I have less of the more years
I live. Oh, and that bucket list? Don't worry
about that one so much, you are likely to put your
foot in it and trip.Its very similar to the "insert foot in
mouth thing."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #125 on: January 10, 2019, 03:47:21 PM »
One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion.
"I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong.
It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors,
"but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves.
Besides, we don't
think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #126 on: February 15, 2019, 10:41:35 AM »
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #127 on: February 15, 2019, 11:28:40 AM »
   

On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves. The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him. He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #128 on: February 15, 2019, 11:37:54 AM »
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #129 on: February 22, 2019, 12:59:39 PM »
A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a terrifying scene. In front of a lonely mountain cabin, a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her lap. "Why don't you shoot that beast? cried the traveler. "I will if I have to", she replied tersely, "but he's a drunken bum and I'm hoping the bear will save me the trouble."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #130 on: February 25, 2019, 10:05:13 AM »
When the Aliens from outer space get here and see us
picking up our dogs poop they
will think the dogs rule the world.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #131 on: February 25, 2019, 10:28:59 AM »
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.''


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #132 on: March 05, 2019, 01:21:07 PM »
PUNS 1 The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other. "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #133 on: March 09, 2019, 05:30:19 PM »
An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . .... . . " Damn Canadians".



Offline Robert Hornby

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #134 on: March 19, 2019, 11:51:04 AM »

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
 
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

 

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