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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 10699 times)

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #105 on: September 09, 2018, 12:00:55 PM »
   


A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun. The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local blonde resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #106 on: September 09, 2018, 12:03:29 PM »
   



The Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #107 on: September 14, 2018, 08:57:29 AM »
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #108 on: September 14, 2018, 09:03:31 AM »
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
« Last Edit: September 14, 2018, 09:05:21 AM by DamienG »

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #109 on: September 14, 2018, 09:07:13 AM »
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?" "Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing." "What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #110 on: September 14, 2018, 09:30:20 AM »
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #111 on: September 14, 2018, 09:37:37 AM »
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #112 on: September 17, 2018, 10:39:54 AM »
To the music of Gordon Lightfoot's Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

The wreck of Hillary Clinton

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOwSaSl_PGk

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #113 on: September 25, 2018, 10:51:10 AM »
This woman's husband had been slipping in and
out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed
by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me through all
the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side... You know what?
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck."

Offline Robert Hornby

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #114 on: September 28, 2018, 11:03:41 AM »
 ;D
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #115 on: October 01, 2018, 09:48:16 AM »
   


On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Son: "Dad, did you go to church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes, son, every single Sunday." Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #116 on: October 01, 2018, 09:53:52 AM »
   


On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Son: "Dad, did you go to church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes, son, every single Sunday." Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #117 on: October 01, 2018, 09:59:05 AM »
Pick up lines gone wrong.

HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #118 on: October 02, 2018, 10:48:08 AM »
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That`s your common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
You're not fat, you,re just easier to see.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out.
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #119 on: October 09, 2018, 10:21:07 AM »
A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up. Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment. The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about." Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog. Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog! Could you please go get *my* dog?" The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog. Look! It's the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it." The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS *NOT* MY DOG!" The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?" The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!"

 

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