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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 2701 times)

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #75 on: June 17, 2018, 03:44:48 PM »
 :picknose
 :a102
 :08
 :beer

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #76 on: June 19, 2018, 11:25:53 AM »
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The dealer replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color, Sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing ears of corn at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #77 on: June 19, 2018, 11:36:57 AM »

My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch. With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable oil,sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner." When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" I asked the clerk. He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 pounds and hurried home. My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe. When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would gladly take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it could be done. Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes, and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked my supply. It was still full! At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #78 on: June 19, 2018, 11:41:30 AM »
A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off," "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit. "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #79 on: June 19, 2018, 11:58:12 AM »
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them, He asks.?" "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #80 on: June 19, 2018, 12:12:31 PM »
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband leaned over and calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #81 on: June 20, 2018, 09:35:07 PM »

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #82 on: June 23, 2018, 06:45:45 PM »
Do you have
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches
my eye--they need water.I put the
Diet Coke on the counter and discover
my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning. I decide
I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter , 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, but
I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but
quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do. At the
end of the day:The car isn't washed, The bills
aren't paid, There is a warm can of Diet Coke
sitting on the counter, The flowers don't
have enough water, There is still only
1 check in my check book, I can't find the
remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't
remember what I did with the car keys. 

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #83 on: July 04, 2018, 06:37:21 PM »
Celebrating the fourth:Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events
is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(insert smug expression and "isn't that steak a beaut!")
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #84 on: July 10, 2018, 03:51:25 PM »
A biker riding a Harley is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #85 on: July 11, 2018, 03:50:14 PM »
 :08 :no1b

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #86 on: July 11, 2018, 04:32:31 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #87 on: July 12, 2018, 09:23:31 PM »


A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #88 on: July 12, 2018, 09:29:36 PM »
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon! Oh.. OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' She replied, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #89 on: July 12, 2018, 09:32:36 PM »
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin............................... and tonic." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

 

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