Clean humour.

[Robert Hornby]

Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there!?”

[DamienG]

 

[DamienG]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a traffic police. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an police officer from West Virginia. The officer asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for? Did I make a mistake?”

The officer responds, “You didn’t come to a exactly stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and nobody was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the cop impatiently .

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the traffic ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the traffic ticket.”

The cop says, “That sounds fair, please exit your car.”

The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The cop says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

[DamienG]

A guy walking along the beach finds a old bottle, picks it up and opens it. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish." The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii." The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible." The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women. . . what makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with...you know, what makes them tick." The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

[Delaunay]

 

[DamienG]

A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’

[DamienG]

Two friends enter a marathon. After they had been running for a while, they were passed by a tall, muscular man. “I know that guy” the first said. “He’s a construction worker.”

A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. “That fellow’s a doctor.”

Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.

“Who was that?” asked the second friend.

“Him?” the first answered. “He’s a lawyer!”

[DamienG]

It was just before Ramadan and Sophia, a grandmother, was giving directions to her grown up grandson Theo who was coming to visit with his wife for the first time since Sophia had moved to her new flat.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 5B.” Sophia told her grandson.

‘There’s a big panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 5B and I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the lift is on your right. Get in the lift and user your elbow to press the 5 button.

When you get out my flat is on the right. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” her grandson replied, “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.”

Sophia answered, “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”

[Robert Hornby]

A pilot and co-pilot were descending for an emergency landing at an airport which they had never been to before. Suddenly the pilot looked out of the windshield and exclaimed: “Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”

At this, the co-pilot looked out and agreed: “Wow, you’re right! Are you sure we can make it?”

“Well, we better had,” said the pilot, “because we’re almost out of fuel.”

Trying not to betray his nerves, he went on the intercom and told the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to a little over stall speed. The huge jumbo jet came screaming in to land, barely under control. The pilot was sweating profusely while the co-pilot said a silent prayer. After what seemed an age, they managed to touch down and came screeching to a halt just yards before the edge of the runway, tyres smoking.

“My God! That was close!” gasped the pilot, mopping the sweat from his brow. “That runway was SHORT!”

“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”

[DamienG]

 

[DamienG]

Our town was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult
to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every
one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal
person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job
to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one
name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."
Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person
was looked to for inspiration as well as results;
"Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among
the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a
financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would
make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful
person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth
known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.
Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are
going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example
to follow, but who is going to follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember --
we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

[DamienG]

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, “That’s not it”, and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said: “That’s it.”

[Robert Hornby]

Effie and her friend having a cup of tea....Effie telling her friend, "the other day I was making the tea and called through to Hubby to go and get me a cabbage from the garden. So off he went, time passed and no sign of him with the cabbage". I went into garden to see what was keeping him and there he was collapsed in a heap in the cabbage bed, dead! "That's terrible Effie, what did you do then"? asked her friend. "Och"  said Effie, "I just opened a tin of peas"

[DamienG]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1.

[DamienG]

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby. She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us.