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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 2705 times)

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2018, 06:48:02 PM »
 :) hello;
This one, I was eager to send it to you ...!
I do not know who is the author, but he played very skillfully with the words. but in the language of Shakespeare ???

WHY CHOOSE TO BE INCINERATED?

Why ask to end up in an incinerator?
Initially, we are created from a "spark" of love.
The first year, we are the "flame" of our parents.
We then "heat" buttocks until our teens.
Follow the period when a nothing "lights" us.
And in his twenties, we fart the "fire".
Then, we "log" up to 65 years.
At 75, we are "burned".
At age 80, we gather in a "home".
Then at age 90, we "go out".
So why ask to be cremated?
We are already "cooked" anyway.
If you choose cremation, know that it will be your last cooked!
While buried, you will always have a chance to have a small
worm in the nose!


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2018, 08:48:01 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Offline Hankwilliams

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2018, 08:42:02 AM »
No, this isn`t a poem - it`s only macabre!

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2018, 10:47:39 AM »
True it is very macabre!

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2018, 12:33:56 AM »
 ;)Hello;

To make me forgive my previous joke, which shocked you (but in French, beer / Berr in English also means coffin).
It was a drinking story :beer

The mother superior of an American convent, of Irish origin, is 98 years old. She is bedridden and dying.
The nuns are all gathered around her to pray and to surround her with attentions in her last moments.

They bring him some hot milk, but the Mother Superior refuses even to taste it. One of the nuns brings back the glass of milk to the kitchen and suddenly remembers that last Christmas, a pious donor of their convent, knowing the origin of the Mother Superior, offered a nice bottle of Irish whiskey to the community.
The nun finds the bottle, opens it and pours more than a generous swig in the milk warming and then returns around the dying woman.
She puts the edge of the glass on her lips and tries to moisten them. The Mother Superior drank a few drops, then a swig, then another, then another, and finally whistled all the contents of the glass to the last drop.
"My dear Mother, ask the nuns afflicted to their Superior, would you give us one last advice before leaving us? ".

The Superior sits up on her bed as if she is resuscitated, her face is illuminated by a joy that she looks like heavenly, and she answers to them:

"Never sell this cow!"

Offline Hankwilliams

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2018, 12:57:15 AM »
Yes, this was much better!

Thomas

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2018, 11:50:36 PM »
 ;)
Yesterday afternoon, I went cycling to the village grocery store and bought a bottle of Port.
I put the bottle in the bike rack and was about to leave when I realized that the road was stony and in bad shape, and that if I ever fell, the bottle would break.
So I quietly drank the bottle of Porto before leaving.
Well, fortunately I had the good idea to drink all my Porto before returning, because I really broke my mouth 6 or 7 times on the way home!

Offline Hankwilliams

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2018, 04:17:47 AM »
Yes, this is really funny story

Thomas!

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2018, 09:30:35 PM »

Bill's friend Harry feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks and told the man there was a simple informal test he could do in the meanwhile to give him some idea of the state of her problem. 'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "Darn it, Harry, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2018, 02:36:14 AM »
 :bravo :clap :clap

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #25 on: March 17, 2018, 03:40:24 PM »
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me." "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #26 on: March 17, 2018, 05:13:26 PM »
 :whistle :clap :beer

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2018, 09:26:58 PM »
A police officer pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?” Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.” The cop says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.” “Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.” But then the cop glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?” Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

Offline Robert Hornby

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2018, 11:02:54 PM »
An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #29 on: March 21, 2018, 01:35:25 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 

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