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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 10038 times)

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #90 on: July 20, 2018, 08:18:27 PM »
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #91 on: July 23, 2018, 11:37:33 AM »
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on." "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #92 on: July 23, 2018, 11:42:39 AM »
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #93 on: July 23, 2018, 11:44:52 AM »
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." Do you know where he is?

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #94 on: July 23, 2018, 11:47:37 AM »
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons, inside alone. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off!!!


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #95 on: July 25, 2018, 10:40:51 AM »
The family was gathered at dinner. The oldest boy announced he was going to marry the girl across the street. "But her family didn't have a penny," objected his father. "And she hasn't saved a cent," added mother. "She doesn't know a thing about football," said junior.. "I've never seen a girl with such funny hair," said sister.. "All she does is read novels," said uncle. "And such poor taste in the choice of her clothes," said aunt. "But she isn't sparing of the powder and the paint," said grandma. "True," said the boy. "But she has one supreme advantage over all of us." "What's that? everyone wanted to know. "She has no family.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2018, 12:54:07 PM by DamienG »

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #96 on: August 02, 2018, 11:43:02 AM »
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, `I`ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.` She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, `Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!` So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, `I don know where y`been lad...but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!`

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #97 on: August 02, 2018, 12:24:24 PM »

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #98 on: August 02, 2018, 12:37:56 PM »
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #99 on: August 08, 2018, 04:38:48 PM »
 ;)
A guy passes his head to the hairdresser's front door and asks:
- How long before you can cut my hair?
The hairdresser takes a look: he has all the people who are already waiting for their turn and answers:
- Must count two hours.
And the guy is leaving.
A few days later, the same guy passes his head to the door and asks:
-How long before you can cut my hair?
Here again, the hairdresser looks around his living room which is still full of customers and answers:
- Not before two o'clock.
And the guy is leaving.
A week later, the same guy still goes head to the entrance of the hair salon before asking the eternal
question:
- How long can you take me?
The hairdresser answers:
-In an hour and a half.
And the guy is leaving.
There, the hairdresser speaks to one of his friends in the living room and tells him:
- Bernard, you want to follow the guy who just put his nose at the door, and you'll see if he goes to a competitor ...
A little later, Bernard is back in the hair salon and has trouble suppressing a giggle.
- So, asks the hairdresser, you followed? Where did he go out of here?
And Bernard answers him:
- At your wife's house !!!!!! :

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #100 on: August 08, 2018, 04:45:43 PM »
 ;)
Tarzan being retired decides to visit Europe and finds himself an after-
lunch in St Tropez, sitting on a terrace sipping a fresh pastis!
When, suddenly: Héllo Tarzan! Ha supermann! What a surprise, ha said so, but
what are you doing ???? : o It's simple, between two movies and a comic
the producers gave me fifteen days off and I take the opportunity to see France
Ha is good and how are you ????
It's simple: By my own means! Hollywood, the east coast: fifty five
minutes ! The East Coast, The Sleeve Flying Over London: An Hour Ten! After,
to admire the French coast, I slowed down and lost altitude!
Ha say, what a trip; Without problems ????
Just a little anecdote above the Landes! Tell me!
Well, above the Landes, in the dunes, guess who I see ????
Wonder Women! She was there, naked to get a tan jump I take a ride in
losing altitude: She must have seen me, she offered me jump
I go around the dune, I arrive smoothly and hop! jump
Ho say so !!! She must have been surprised?
Yes, but not so much as the invisible man!

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #101 on: August 26, 2018, 12:40:39 PM »
Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #102 on: August 30, 2018, 09:23:58 PM »
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to
hold out for a charge of manslaughter,
fearing the murder charge being brought by the state.
The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
"Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror,
he asked him if he had a hard time
convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #103 on: September 09, 2018, 11:50:46 AM »
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #104 on: September 09, 2018, 11:58:00 AM »
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy class gets up, moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendent watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendent goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak "blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry!" She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and the copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

 

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