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Author Topic: Clean humour.  (Read 10448 times)

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2018, 07:02:53 PM »
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"


Offline Robert Hornby

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2018, 09:16:12 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2018, 05:43:42 PM »
 :clap :clap :clap

Offline Robert Hornby

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #33 on: March 24, 2018, 02:04:03 PM »
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #34 on: March 25, 2018, 10:38:33 PM »
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh ........... it is a box of corn flakes


Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #35 on: March 25, 2018, 10:44:43 PM »
A preacher An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: A Bible A silver dollar A bottle of whiskey A Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! "If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too. "But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for parliament."

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #36 on: March 25, 2018, 11:01:31 PM »
High School Teacher, The Marine After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-a** punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead Silence. The rest of the year went smoothly.

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #37 on: March 25, 2018, 11:06:16 PM »
One day I stepped from my desk, looked out the window, and stared at the sky. The sun was blinding. The clouds were all gone. Wet pavement steamed below. It was time for me to go home. I was glad the rain stopped. The one thing I dreaded was a twenty-mile drive in a storm. On the way home, I neared a section of road that always flooded in heavy rains. I could see water in the distance. Nearly five hundred feet of roadway were covered in what appeared to be eight inches of water. An approaching car hit the puddle. Water flew outward in waves as it plowed through. In the distance, I saw another car approaching. Judging by our speed, I estimated we'd hit that water the exact same time. Using my limited brain power, I decided to be pro-active: I turned on my wipers! I KNEW a blinding wall of H20 was coming. I was taking action to avoid the blinding effects. We DID hit the puddle at the same time, and showered each other in a wave of brown, muddy and icy water. My wipers did their job. I was pleased briefly. I had anticipated what was coming, and my plan worked almost perfectly. As I drove on, however, I noticed water dripping into my lap -- from my glasses and face. One question kept repeating itself in my mind: "Why the HELL didn't I close my car window?"


Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #38 on: March 26, 2018, 04:57:19 PM »
 :hehe

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #39 on: March 29, 2018, 07:44:12 PM »
A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”.

He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”.

He looks around the room with his torch and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. He approaches the parrot and asks, “What is your name?” “Solomon” the parrot replies.

“Who would be daft enough to call a parrot Solomon?” retorted the burglar.

“The same person that calls a Rottweiler God!” chuckles the parrot.

Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #40 on: March 30, 2018, 04:25:36 PM »
 :) :no1b :bravo

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #41 on: March 31, 2018, 12:41:53 PM »
James has had a little too much to drink celebrating Easter Day but nevertheless he stupidly decides to drive home.

Of course, his car is weaving all over the road and he gets pulled over by police.

The police officer looks at him and says, “So, where have you been?”

James slurs, “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course.”

“Well,” says the police, “It look’s like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” replies James with a smile.

The officer stands up straight and folds his arms across his chest, as he asks, “Did you realise that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?”

James says, “Oh,halleluja ! For a moment there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #42 on: April 01, 2018, 12:22:29 PM »
NASA will send a man to Mars. Only one person can go, and the person who goes will not come back. The first candidate is an engineer.

Authorities asked; “How much do you want for this job?”

-“1 Million Dollars” and added “I’ll donate it for technological researches.”

The second candidate is a doctor. His answer is;

– Two million dollars. I will give one million to my family and I will donate one million for medical research.

The third candidate is a crafty marketer and he wanted $ 3 Million. Authorities asked;

– Why do you want $ 3 millions?

The cunning marketer, leaning toward the authorities, with a low voice:

– I will take 1 million, give 1 million to you, and you will send the engineer to Mars for 1 million dollars.


Offline Delaunay

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #43 on: April 01, 2018, 07:28:22 PM »
 :)
During her bridge game at the seniors' club, Berthe is apostrophised by her play partner and still a friend:
"Say Berthe, you know I saw your husband turn around prostitutes in the station area ... Really, at seventy, you do not think he should be ashamed?"
But Berthe seems to care about it:
"So what?"
She replies
"Well ... does not it really make you feel like chasing girls?"
Insists the other.
Then Berthe confides to him: "You know, at home I have a dog running after cars ... he has never caught one!"

Offline DamienG

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Re: Clean humour.
« Reply #44 on: April 01, 2018, 07:46:13 PM »
 :clap :clap :clap

 

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