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General => Chat & Off Topic Stuff => Topic started by: DamienG on December 26, 2017, 02:54:36 PM

Title: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on December 26, 2017, 02:54:36 PM
Typical always on Boxing Day
- Today hasn't been a good day. I decided to go horse riding......something I haven't done in a good few years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop.
Thank goodness the manager at Coles came out and unplugged the machine. He had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on December 26, 2017, 06:05:52 PM
 :) Hello !
 :vacation
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: TailUK on February 28, 2018, 12:11:14 AM
After checking my tickets at work I rang the wife,
"We've won the Lottery, pack your bags!"
"Oooh Lovely!", she said" Should I pack hot or cold?"
"I don't care" I replied "As long as you're gone when I get home!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 02, 2018, 04:39:53 PM
I was having trouble logging on to my Facebook account when
my mate asked 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said no, but I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man...
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: TailUK on March 02, 2018, 08:05:04 PM
 :hehe :hehe :hehe :hehe :hehe
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 08, 2018, 10:59:54 AM
A Japanese Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside

‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’

A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.

Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse,please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’

Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’

Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars.

Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’

Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’

Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150 !’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please.’
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 08, 2018, 12:29:54 PM
 :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 08, 2018, 04:44:57 PM
 :bravo :s_cool :clap :08
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 08, 2018, 05:15:11 PM
:bravo :s_cool :clap :08

Two gendarmes in a village call their headquarters
- Chief a woman has just shot her husband on the grounds that he walked on the tiles she had just washed!
* You stopped her?
- Uh, no, chief
* Why ?
- Ben chef ... is that the tiles are not yet dry
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 08, 2018, 06:16:59 PM
 :great :terrific :clap :bravo
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 09, 2018, 11:50:44 AM
Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 09, 2018, 06:53:21 PM
 :) and for some, they leave us in a beer  ???
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: TailUK on March 09, 2018, 08:32:42 PM
Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

With regard to Point 8 and Point 5, you've obviously never been for a drink in Glasgow!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 09, 2018, 11:25:01 PM
Never been outside of Oz mate.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Hankwilliams on March 11, 2018, 05:54:25 AM
My late uncle Ulrich, named Ulu, was a man who always was full of jokes and making fun.
One day a new colleague wanted to introduce himself: "Good morning, may I introduce me - my name is Hermann Fect..." My uncle: " it`s very good, that you are not a french nobleman..." Do you understand?

Thomas
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 12, 2018, 06:48:02 PM
 :) hello;
This one, I was eager to send it to you ...!
I do not know who is the author, but he played very skillfully with the words. but in the language of Shakespeare ???

WHY CHOOSE TO BE INCINERATED?

Why ask to end up in an incinerator?
Initially, we are created from a "spark" of love.
The first year, we are the "flame" of our parents.
We then "heat" buttocks until our teens.
Follow the period when a nothing "lights" us.
And in his twenties, we fart the "fire".
Then, we "log" up to 65 years.
At 75, we are "burned".
At age 80, we gather in a "home".
Then at age 90, we "go out".
So why ask to be cremated?
We are already "cooked" anyway.
If you choose cremation, know that it will be your last cooked!
While buried, you will always have a chance to have a small
worm in the nose!

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 12, 2018, 08:48:01 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Hankwilliams on March 13, 2018, 08:42:02 AM
No, this isn`t a poem - it`s only macabre!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 13, 2018, 10:47:39 AM
True it is very macabre!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 14, 2018, 12:33:56 AM
 ;)Hello;

To make me forgive my previous joke, which shocked you (but in French, beer / Berr in English also means coffin).
It was a drinking story :beer

The mother superior of an American convent, of Irish origin, is 98 years old. She is bedridden and dying.
The nuns are all gathered around her to pray and to surround her with attentions in her last moments.

They bring him some hot milk, but the Mother Superior refuses even to taste it. One of the nuns brings back the glass of milk to the kitchen and suddenly remembers that last Christmas, a pious donor of their convent, knowing the origin of the Mother Superior, offered a nice bottle of Irish whiskey to the community.
The nun finds the bottle, opens it and pours more than a generous swig in the milk warming and then returns around the dying woman.
She puts the edge of the glass on her lips and tries to moisten them. The Mother Superior drank a few drops, then a swig, then another, then another, and finally whistled all the contents of the glass to the last drop.
"My dear Mother, ask the nuns afflicted to their Superior, would you give us one last advice before leaving us? ".

The Superior sits up on her bed as if she is resuscitated, her face is illuminated by a joy that she looks like heavenly, and she answers to them:

"Never sell this cow!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Hankwilliams on March 14, 2018, 12:57:15 AM
Yes, this was much better!

Thomas
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 15, 2018, 11:50:36 PM
 ;)
Yesterday afternoon, I went cycling to the village grocery store and bought a bottle of Port.
I put the bottle in the bike rack and was about to leave when I realized that the road was stony and in bad shape, and that if I ever fell, the bottle would break.
So I quietly drank the bottle of Porto before leaving.
Well, fortunately I had the good idea to drink all my Porto before returning, because I really broke my mouth 6 or 7 times on the way home!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Hankwilliams on March 16, 2018, 04:17:47 AM
Yes, this is really funny story

Thomas!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 16, 2018, 09:30:35 PM

Bill's friend Harry feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks and told the man there was a simple informal test he could do in the meanwhile to give him some idea of the state of her problem. 'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "Darn it, Harry, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 17, 2018, 02:36:14 AM
 :bravo :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 17, 2018, 03:40:24 PM
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me." "But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!" Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 17, 2018, 05:13:26 PM
 :whistle :clap :beer
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 20, 2018, 09:26:58 PM
A police officer pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?” Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.” The cop says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.” “Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.” But then the cop glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?” Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 20, 2018, 11:02:54 PM
An old snake goes to see his doctor.

He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 21, 2018, 01:35:25 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 22, 2018, 07:02:53 PM
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 23, 2018, 09:16:12 AM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 23, 2018, 05:43:42 PM
 :clap :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 24, 2018, 02:04:03 PM
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy “Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies, “You’re in a plane.”

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. “Simple” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question.

The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is just a while away!”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 25, 2018, 10:38:33 PM
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he said with a deep sigh ........... it is a box of corn flakes

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 25, 2018, 10:44:43 PM
A preacher An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: A Bible A silver dollar A bottle of whiskey A Playboy magazine. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! "If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that would be okay, too. "But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for parliament."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 25, 2018, 11:01:31 PM
High School Teacher, The Marine After retiring, a former Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-a** punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him, and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. With a strong breeze blowing it made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead Silence. The rest of the year went smoothly.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 25, 2018, 11:06:16 PM
One day I stepped from my desk, looked out the window, and stared at the sky. The sun was blinding. The clouds were all gone. Wet pavement steamed below. It was time for me to go home. I was glad the rain stopped. The one thing I dreaded was a twenty-mile drive in a storm. On the way home, I neared a section of road that always flooded in heavy rains. I could see water in the distance. Nearly five hundred feet of roadway were covered in what appeared to be eight inches of water. An approaching car hit the puddle. Water flew outward in waves as it plowed through. In the distance, I saw another car approaching. Judging by our speed, I estimated we'd hit that water the exact same time. Using my limited brain power, I decided to be pro-active: I turned on my wipers! I KNEW a blinding wall of H20 was coming. I was taking action to avoid the blinding effects. We DID hit the puddle at the same time, and showered each other in a wave of brown, muddy and icy water. My wipers did their job. I was pleased briefly. I had anticipated what was coming, and my plan worked almost perfectly. As I drove on, however, I noticed water dripping into my lap -- from my glasses and face. One question kept repeating itself in my mind: "Why the HELL didn't I close my car window?"

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 26, 2018, 04:57:19 PM
 :hehe
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 29, 2018, 07:44:12 PM
A burglar enters a house and notices a flat screen television. And as he is about to pick it up, he hears a voice saying, “God is watching you”.

He then notices a wallet stuffed with dollar bills on the sideboard and as he picks up the wallet again hears the voice, “God is still watching you”.

He looks around the room with his torch and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner of the room. He approaches the parrot and asks, “What is your name?” “Solomon” the parrot replies.

“Who would be daft enough to call a parrot Solomon?” retorted the burglar.

“The same person that calls a Rottweiler God!” chuckles the parrot.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on March 30, 2018, 04:25:36 PM
 :) :no1b :bravo
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 31, 2018, 12:41:53 PM
James has had a little too much to drink celebrating Easter Day but nevertheless he stupidly decides to drive home.

Of course, his car is weaving all over the road and he gets pulled over by police.

The police officer looks at him and says, “So, where have you been?”

James slurs, “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course.”

“Well,” says the police, “It look’s like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” replies James with a smile.

The officer stands up straight and folds his arms across his chest, as he asks, “Did you realise that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?”

James says, “Oh,halleluja ! For a moment there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 01, 2018, 12:22:29 PM
NASA will send a man to Mars. Only one person can go, and the person who goes will not come back. The first candidate is an engineer.

Authorities asked; “How much do you want for this job?”

-“1 Million Dollars” and added “I’ll donate it for technological researches.”

The second candidate is a doctor. His answer is;

– Two million dollars. I will give one million to my family and I will donate one million for medical research.

The third candidate is a crafty marketer and he wanted $ 3 Million. Authorities asked;

– Why do you want $ 3 millions?

The cunning marketer, leaning toward the authorities, with a low voice:

– I will take 1 million, give 1 million to you, and you will send the engineer to Mars for 1 million dollars.

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on April 01, 2018, 07:28:22 PM
 :)
During her bridge game at the seniors' club, Berthe is apostrophised by her play partner and still a friend:
"Say Berthe, you know I saw your husband turn around prostitutes in the station area ... Really, at seventy, you do not think he should be ashamed?"
But Berthe seems to care about it:
"So what?"
She replies
"Well ... does not it really make you feel like chasing girls?"
Insists the other.
Then Berthe confides to him: "You know, at home I have a dog running after cars ... he has never caught one!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 01, 2018, 07:46:13 PM
 :clap :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on April 02, 2018, 12:43:53 PM
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there!?”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 02, 2018, 01:12:33 PM
 :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 02, 2018, 06:44:31 PM
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a traffic police. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an police officer from West Virginia. The officer asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for? Did I make a mistake?”

The officer responds, “You didn’t come to a exactly stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and nobody was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the cop impatiently .

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the traffic ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the traffic ticket.”

The cop says, “That sounds fair, please exit your car.”

The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The cop says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 04, 2018, 06:45:03 PM
A guy walking along the beach finds a old bottle, picks it up and opens it. A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish." The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii." The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible." The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women. . . what makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why they are so difficult to get along with...you know, what makes them tick." The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on April 05, 2018, 03:33:47 PM
 :hehe :hehe :08 :towel
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 06, 2018, 03:58:14 PM
A probate attorney discusses with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

‘To my loving wife, Abby, who always stood by me, I leave the house, yacht and three millions dollars,’ the attorney reads.

‘To my darling daughter, Kimberley, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the special car collection, the business and 2 million dollars.’

‘And finally,’ the lawyer concludes, ‘to my cousin Frederick, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.

Well, you were wrong. Hi Frederick!’
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 08, 2018, 11:12:12 AM
Two friends enter a marathon. After they had been running for a while, they were passed by a tall, muscular man. “I know that guy” the first said. “He’s a construction worker.”

A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. “That fellow’s a doctor.”

Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.

“Who was that?” asked the second friend.

“Him?” the first answered. “He’s a lawyer!”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 08, 2018, 02:19:04 PM
It was just before Ramadan and Sophia, a grandmother, was giving directions to her grown up grandson Theo who was coming to visit with his wife for the first time since Sophia had moved to her new flat.

“You come to the front door of the condominium complex. I am in apartment 5B.” Sophia told her grandson.

‘There’s a big panel at the door. Use your elbow to push button 5B and I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the lift is on your right. Get in the lift and user your elbow to press the 5 button.

When you get out my flat is on the right. Use your elbow to ring my doorbell and I’ll open the door for you.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” her grandson replied, “But why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.”

Sophia answered, “You’re coming to visit empty handed?”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on April 10, 2018, 11:24:22 AM
A pilot and co-pilot were descending for an emergency landing at an airport which they had never been to before. Suddenly the pilot looked out of the windshield and exclaimed: “Look how short the runway is! I’ve never seen one that short!”

At this, the co-pilot looked out and agreed: “Wow, you’re right! Are you sure we can make it?”

“Well, we better had,” said the pilot, “because we’re almost out of fuel.”

Trying not to betray his nerves, he went on the intercom and told the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to a little over stall speed. The huge jumbo jet came screaming in to land, barely under control. The pilot was sweating profusely while the co-pilot said a silent prayer. After what seemed an age, they managed to touch down and came screeching to a halt just yards before the edge of the runway, tyres smoking.

“My God! That was close!” gasped the pilot, mopping the sweat from his brow. “That runway was SHORT!”

“Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 10, 2018, 07:14:50 PM
 :16
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 10, 2018, 08:35:54 PM
Our town was saddened to learn this week of the
death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult
to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every
one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal
person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job
to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one
name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."
Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person
was looked to for inspiration as well as results;
"Someone Else can work with that group."
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among
the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a
financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would
make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful
person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth
known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.
Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are
going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example
to follow, but who is going to follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember --
we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 11, 2018, 11:01:25 AM
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, say, “That’s not it”, and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said: “That’s it.”
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on April 14, 2018, 03:40:57 PM
Effie and her friend having a cup of tea....Effie telling her friend, "the other day I was making the tea and called through to Hubby to go and get me a cabbage from the garden. So off he went, time passed and no sign of him with the cabbage". I went into garden to see what was keeping him and there he was collapsed in a heap in the cabbage bed, dead! "That's terrible Effie, what did you do then"? asked her friend. "Och"  said Effie, "I just opened a tin of peas"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 19, 2018, 01:05:22 PM
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 19, 2018, 01:07:27 PM

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers. My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby. She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 20, 2018, 04:37:00 PM
It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.. I don't know what I'm going to do." Morris replies. Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam." Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?" Goldie says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it." She then slams the window shut and turns to Morris and says, now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on April 20, 2018, 06:49:11 PM
 :08
 and for Sam  :tongue1
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 20, 2018, 09:50:09 PM
 :beer
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on May 06, 2018, 09:52:52 AM
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on May 06, 2018, 04:06:44 PM
Hello Damien !
 :beer :nono but ten dollars is ten dollars  :coffee  :08
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on May 06, 2018, 11:24:45 PM
 :beer :beer
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on May 07, 2018, 03:32:34 PM
 :) Hello

 The new neighbors are so in love,
exclaims the woman to her husband.

 He kisses her, caresses her, takes her in his arms, why do not you do the same thing?
 Because I do not know the neighbor.
 :whistle
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on May 07, 2018, 04:12:50 PM
 :whistle :whistle :whistle :whistle :whistle :whistle :whistle
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on May 24, 2018, 11:58:33 AM
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 08, 2018, 10:11:49 PM
The boss Wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' "Hello ?" 'Is your daddy home?' ' Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,' ’May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' ; So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?' ‘Yes she's out in the garden too’ ‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?' Again the ‘No’ . 'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. ' Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ' Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ' The search team just landed a helicopter ' 'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... ' ME
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on June 09, 2018, 04:15:35 PM
 :) Hello !
 :clap  :bravo
 :beer
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 09, 2018, 06:15:19 PM
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on June 13, 2018, 03:40:21 PM
 ;) Hello !
Today, it is exactly five weeks since I consume more sugar, I run eight kilometers a day and a daily workout in the room for two hours too!
More meat, more dairy products or derivatives. The change was fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol! A healthy vegan diet, no gluten, no more tobacco, nothing but beautiful organic vegetables.
I lost 6.73 pounds of fat and gained muscle mass ...

Having said that, I have no idea who this statement is or who it is, but ...
  I am really proud for him.
So I decided to copy and paste, out of pure solidarity!
 :whistle
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 13, 2018, 04:50:31 PM
 :hehe :hehe :hehe :hehe :hehe :hehe
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 16, 2018, 08:54:16 PM
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. Is it wine? Is it Scotch ? "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on June 17, 2018, 03:44:48 PM
 :picknose
 :a102
 :08
 :beer
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 19, 2018, 11:25:53 AM
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The dealer replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color, Sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" "No son, I want this color." "But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets very angry, and starts throwing ears of corn at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 19, 2018, 11:36:57 AM

My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my cooking ability was practically non-existent when I got married. But, I did remember mother mentioning to her friends that she did make cakes, pies and other things from scratch. So my first priority after the honeymoon, was to locate some scratch. With mother's delicious cakes in mind, my first trip to the supermarket was to buy some scratch. I found the aisle that read -- Baking Items. I spent a good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable oil,sugar, flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of scratch. I was sure it wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said, "You'll have to go to the store on the corner." When I got there, it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?" I asked the clerk. He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only comes in 20 pound bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned chickens, but I had heard mother say she made chicken casserole from scratch. So, I bought 20 pounds and hurried home. My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went through every single page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" Cookbook -- a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch. There I was with 20 pounds and no recipe. When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful. I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had suggested very early in our marriage that he liked to cook and would gladly take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good it was, he said that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it could be done. Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes, and even lemon pudding from scratch . . . . well, if he made all those things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of scratch also. But, I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked my supply. It was still full! At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd bake a cake." He got out the flour, sugar, eggs, milk and shortening. But, not a sign of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan and slide it into the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise a few chickens?"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 19, 2018, 11:41:30 AM
A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off," "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit. "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 19, 2018, 11:58:12 AM
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains.""So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them, He asks.?" "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 19, 2018, 12:12:31 PM
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband leaned over and calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 20, 2018, 09:35:07 PM
(https://i90.servimg.com/u/f90/16/57/96/23/f028810.jpg) (https://servimg.com/view/16579623/244)
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on June 23, 2018, 06:45:45 PM
Do you have
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifests:I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table
that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first...
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox,
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches
my eye--they need water.I put the
Diet Coke on the counter and discover
my reading glasses that I've been
searching for all morning. I decide
I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter , 
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, but
I won't remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it
belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but
quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do. At the
end of the day:The car isn't washed, The bills
aren't paid, There is a warm can of Diet Coke
sitting on the counter, The flowers don't
have enough water, There is still only
1 check in my check book, I can't find the
remote, I can't find my glasses, And I don't
remember what I did with the car keys. 
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 04, 2018, 06:37:21 PM
Celebrating the fourth:Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events
is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(insert smug expression and "isn't that steak a beaut!")
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 10, 2018, 03:51:25 PM
A biker riding a Harley is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS
AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on July 11, 2018, 03:50:14 PM
 :08 :no1b
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 11, 2018, 04:32:31 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 12, 2018, 09:23:31 PM


A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 12, 2018, 09:29:36 PM
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Café and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store? No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires... Mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. Is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon! Oh.. OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?' She replied, I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 12, 2018, 09:32:36 PM
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart." "Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin............................... and tonic." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 20, 2018, 08:18:27 PM
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 23, 2018, 11:37:33 AM
A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even quoted a very affordable price. "This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice on." "It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks off for a vacation every year. My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic." "But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the younger man. The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning. A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working." "Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 23, 2018, 11:42:39 AM
Boss: Do you believe in life after death? Employee: No, because there is no proof of it. Boss: Well there is now ! Employee: How? Boss: When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle's funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 23, 2018, 11:44:52 AM
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes." Do you know where he is?
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 23, 2018, 11:47:37 AM
A blonde was taking helicopter lessons, inside alone. The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, "What went wrong?" The blonde said, "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off!!!

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 25, 2018, 10:40:51 AM
The family was gathered at dinner. The oldest boy announced he was going to marry the girl across the street. "But her family didn't have a penny," objected his father. "And she hasn't saved a cent," added mother. "She doesn't know a thing about football," said junior.. "I've never seen a girl with such funny hair," said sister.. "All she does is read novels," said uncle. "And such poor taste in the choice of her clothes," said aunt. "But she isn't sparing of the powder and the paint," said grandma. "True," said the boy. "But she has one supreme advantage over all of us." "What's that? everyone wanted to know. "She has no family.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on August 02, 2018, 11:43:02 AM
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree. As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, `I`ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.` She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, `Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!` So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away. Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, `I don know where y`been lad...but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!`
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on August 02, 2018, 12:24:24 PM

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on August 02, 2018, 12:37:56 PM
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on August 08, 2018, 04:38:48 PM
 ;)
A guy passes his head to the hairdresser's front door and asks:
- How long before you can cut my hair?
The hairdresser takes a look: he has all the people who are already waiting for their turn and answers:
- Must count two hours.
And the guy is leaving.
A few days later, the same guy passes his head to the door and asks:
-How long before you can cut my hair?
Here again, the hairdresser looks around his living room which is still full of customers and answers:
- Not before two o'clock.
And the guy is leaving.
A week later, the same guy still goes head to the entrance of the hair salon before asking the eternal
question:
- How long can you take me?
The hairdresser answers:
-In an hour and a half.
And the guy is leaving.
There, the hairdresser speaks to one of his friends in the living room and tells him:
- Bernard, you want to follow the guy who just put his nose at the door, and you'll see if he goes to a competitor ...
A little later, Bernard is back in the hair salon and has trouble suppressing a giggle.
- So, asks the hairdresser, you followed? Where did he go out of here?
And Bernard answers him:
- At your wife's house !!!!!! :
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Delaunay on August 08, 2018, 04:45:43 PM
 ;)
Tarzan being retired decides to visit Europe and finds himself an after-
lunch in St Tropez, sitting on a terrace sipping a fresh pastis!
When, suddenly: Héllo Tarzan! Ha supermann! What a surprise, ha said so, but
what are you doing ???? : o It's simple, between two movies and a comic
the producers gave me fifteen days off and I take the opportunity to see France
Ha is good and how are you ????
It's simple: By my own means! Hollywood, the east coast: fifty five
minutes ! The East Coast, The Sleeve Flying Over London: An Hour Ten! After,
to admire the French coast, I slowed down and lost altitude!
Ha say, what a trip; Without problems ????
Just a little anecdote above the Landes! Tell me!
Well, above the Landes, in the dunes, guess who I see ????
Wonder Women! She was there, naked to get a tan jump I take a ride in
losing altitude: She must have seen me, she offered me jump
I go around the dune, I arrive smoothly and hop! jump
Ho say so !!! She must have been surprised?
Yes, but not so much as the invisible man!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on August 26, 2018, 12:40:39 PM
Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on August 30, 2018, 09:23:58 PM
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to
hold out for a charge of manslaughter,
fearing the murder charge being brought by the state.
The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:
"Manslaughter!" Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror,
he asked him if he had a hard time
convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 09, 2018, 11:50:46 AM
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 09, 2018, 11:58:00 AM
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy class gets up, moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendent watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendent goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak "blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry!" She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and the copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 09, 2018, 12:00:55 PM
   


A few years ago, as a solar eclipse approached, some planetarium directors in Southern California sent out warnings to the community about the eclipse. They warned people not to look directly into the sun. The planetarium received an indignant letter from a local blonde resident. She said that if an eclipse was so dangerous, they never should have decided to hold one and ought to cancel it.

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 09, 2018, 12:03:29 PM
   



The Catholic Dictionary

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 14, 2018, 08:57:29 AM
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 14, 2018, 09:03:31 AM
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3. He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third." The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them. Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast. After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing". Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy. A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything". It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved. A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 14, 2018, 09:07:13 AM
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program: "What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?" "Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no pulse and there was no noticeable breathing." "What was so unusual and demanding about this particular call?" the interviewer asked. "Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys before we found the one who was dead."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 14, 2018, 09:30:20 AM
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 14, 2018, 09:37:37 AM
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got." "That's great," smiled his uncle. "Have you learned how to play it yet?" "Oh, I don't play it," Little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 17, 2018, 10:39:54 AM
To the music of Gordon Lightfoot's Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald.

The wreck of Hillary Clinton

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOwSaSl_PGk
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on September 25, 2018, 10:51:10 AM
This woman's husband had been slipping in and
out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed
by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me through all
the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you
were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still
by my side... You know what?
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth."I think you're bad luck."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on September 28, 2018, 11:03:41 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 01, 2018, 09:48:16 AM
   


On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Son: "Dad, did you go to church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes, son, every single Sunday." Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 01, 2018, 09:53:52 AM
   


On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God. The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Son: "Dad, did you go to church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes, son, every single Sunday." Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 01, 2018, 09:59:05 AM
Pick up lines gone wrong.

HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy. SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 02, 2018, 10:48:08 AM
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That`s your common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.
You're not fat, you,re just easier to see.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out.
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 09, 2018, 10:21:07 AM
A widowed lady, travelling alone, was taking a long plane trip back to where she & her husband both grew up. Upon arriving at the airport she informed the airline that she wanted to take her dog with her in the cabin. She became angry when the airline told her she couldn't, but finally gave in and allowed them to put the dog in the baggage compartment. The airline pilot told her, "It will be warm & pressurized in there, & your dog should be just fine. Nothing to worry about." Upon arrival at the first fuel stop, the crew went to check on the dog and found it dead! The airline crew quickly ran all over town until they found a dog of the same color, height, weight, and sex & put it in the cage in place of the dead dog. Upon arrival at their final destination, they hand delivered the lady her dog. Quite surprised, the woman says, "Sorry, but that's not my dog! Could you please go get *my* dog?" The airline pilot replies, "Sure it's your dog. Look! It's the same height, weight, color, & sex as when we loaded it." The lady again insisted, "THIS, IS *NOT* MY DOG!" The airline pilot asks her, "Just how do you know that this isn't your dog?" The widow answers. . . . "Because my dog was dead! I was taking it home to bury it next to my husband!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 10, 2018, 01:15:30 PM
A wholesaler in New York sent a letter to the postmaster of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler's goods. He got this reply: Dear Sir: I am the postmaster of this village and received your letter. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold? those crummy goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused? to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the? merchant had refused to pay. ?If I were not, for the time being, substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you just what I thought of your claim.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on November 29, 2018, 11:39:13 AM
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: derekwarner_decoy on November 29, 2018, 05:38:23 PM
I reckon Blonde jokes are terrible :a102 .........

But the one with the Blonde painting a typing error on the monitor with TYPEX always gets me   :great
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on November 29, 2018, 08:01:41 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on December 28, 2018, 10:16:24 PM
So I was talking to a friend about the lists that
seniors make. For example, there is the bucket list.
Then there is the to do list, The bucket list is the
more enjoyable because its made of the stuff that YOU
want to do. where as the to do list, also known as
the honey do list, that is the one that she wants you to
do. Well, I have discovered there is yet another list.
And this one is the one that has evolved over the
years, and I have also gotten pretty good at it. It is
known as the do nothing list. This one is much
preferable to the other two. Both of the other lists
require something called "effort." a commodity
I have discovered that I have less of the more years
I live. Oh, and that bucket list? Don't worry
about that one so much, you are likely to put your
foot in it and trip.Its very similar to the "insert foot in
mouth thing."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on January 10, 2019, 03:47:21 PM
One afternoon, two doctors from India were having an animated discussion.
"I say it's spelled 'W-H-O-O-M'," said the first Indian doctor.
"No, it is 'W-H-O-M-B'," said the other Indian doctor.
An American nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong.
It is spelled 'W-O-M-B'."
"Thank you nurse," said one of the doctors,
"but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves.
Besides, we don't
think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant passing wind under water."

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 15, 2019, 10:41:35 AM
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 15, 2019, 11:28:40 AM
   

On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves. The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him. He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 15, 2019, 11:37:54 AM
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "you'd be his wife!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 22, 2019, 12:59:39 PM
A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a terrifying scene. In front of a lonely mountain cabin, a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her lap. "Why don't you shoot that beast? cried the traveler. "I will if I have to", she replied tersely, "but he's a drunken bum and I'm hoping the bear will save me the trouble."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 25, 2019, 10:05:13 AM
When the Aliens from outer space get here and see us
picking up our dogs poop they
will think the dogs rule the world.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on February 25, 2019, 10:28:59 AM
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job.' Murphy asked, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!' The manager said, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed.' Murphy then asked, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?' The manager replied, 'Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.''

Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 05, 2019, 01:21:07 PM
PUNS 1 The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other. "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 09, 2019, 05:30:19 PM
An Hispanic in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss occured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Hispanic was heard to mutter as he left the station . . .... . . " Damn Canadians".


Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 19, 2019, 11:51:04 AM

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
 
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 19, 2019, 03:28:08 PM
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on March 20, 2019, 10:23:34 AM
Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners. Yes, he was brilliant!!


1. Two blondes walk into a building .........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

17. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

18. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

19. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on March 27, 2019, 11:44:00 AM
 :clap :clap :clap :clap :clap
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on April 03, 2019, 11:42:47 AM
The owner of a construction company lived where winters were very fierce. He felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the owner asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They were a thing of beauty. They kept my ears toasty warm, and I was able to work all day in perfect comfort." "Then why aren't you wearing them?" the owner asked. "I wore them the first day," the foreman explained, "and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! I'll never make that mistake again!"
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on April 05, 2019, 09:26:11 PM
Good one Damien  :) :)
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on July 07, 2019, 06:58:55 PM
A gynecologist who had lost interest in his medical practice decided to change careers and enrolled in auto mechanic school.

He performed well in the course but was still shocked when he got an off-the-chart 200 on his final exam. He asked the instructor to explain the grade.

"I gave you 50 points for taking the engine apart correctly," the teacher said, "50 points for putting it back together correctly -- and an extra 100 points for doing it all through the muffler."
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: Robert Hornby on October 09, 2019, 04:44:17 PM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
 
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND
APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP
SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME
DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
Title: Re: Clean humour.
Post by: DamienG on October 09, 2019, 11:25:55 PM
 :terrific :terrific :terrific :terrific :terrific :terrific :terrific