Clean humour.

[DamienG]

Typical always on Boxing Day
- Today hasn't been a good day. I decided to go horse riding......something I haven't done in a good few years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop.
Thank goodness the manager at Coles came out and unplugged the machine. He had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.

[Delaunay]

  Hello !
 

[TailUK]

After checking my tickets at work I rang the wife,
"We've won the Lottery, pack your bags!"
"Oooh Lovely!", she said" Should I pack hot or cold?"
"I don't care" I replied "As long as you're gone when I get home!"

[DamienG]

I was having trouble logging on to my Facebook account when
my mate asked 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said no, but I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man...

[TailUK]

 

[Robert Hornby]

A Japanese Doctor Kensuke can’t find a job in a hospital in the Miami, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside

‘Get treatment for 30 dollars – If not cured get back 150 dollars.’

A vigilant American lawyer Steve thinks this is a great opportunity to earn 150 dollars and goes to the clinic.

Steve: ‘I have lost my sense of taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse,please bring my special medicine from box No. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’

Steve: ‘Ugwh. this is kerosene.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. 30 dollars please.’

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Steve: ‘I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.’

Kensuke: ‘Nurse, please bring my special medicine from box no. 17 and put 2 drops in patient’s mouth.’

Steve (mad): ‘This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations. You got your memory back. 30 dollars please.’

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back 150 dollars.

Steve: ‘My eyesight has become very weak I can’t see at all.’

Kensuke: ‘Well, I don’t have any medicine for that, so take this 150 dollars.’

Steve (staring at the banknotes): ‘But this is 30 dollars, not 150 !’

Kensuke: ‘Congratulations, your eyesight is fixed. Give me back 30 dollars which I gave to you and 30 dollars more please.’

[DamienG]

 

[Delaunay]

 

[Delaunay]

Two gendarmes in a village call their headquarters
- Chief a woman has just shot her husband on the grounds that he walked on the tiles she had just washed!
* You stopped her?
- Uh, no, chief
* Why ?
- Ben chef ... is that the tiles are not yet dry

[DamienG]

 

[DamienG]

Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[Delaunay]

  and for some, they leave us in a beer 

[TailUK]

Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

With regard to Point 8 and Point 5, you've obviously never been for a drink in Glasgow!

[DamienG]

Never been outside of Oz mate.

[Hankwilliams]

My late uncle Ulrich, named Ulu, was a man who always was full of jokes and making fun.
One day a new colleague wanted to introduce himself: "Good morning, may I introduce me - my name is Hermann Fect..." My uncle: " it`s very good, that you are not a french nobleman..." Do you understand?

Thomas